The word “no” feels dirty. Personally, I am not a fan of it. Just uttering the word can make one squeamish. The sound of it is almost always followed by rejection, hurt, shame, and disappointment. Given the heaviness of the word “no”, I wonder who would want to take responsibility of it? Perhaps no one. In a world where human beings are driven by the very sense of belongingness, how could someone say no? So “yes” becomes the default answer. After all, our survival as species has always depended on cooperation. If a tribe member attempts to rock the boat, it may wobble and tip over – killing everyone on board. But in the 21st century, is it still relevant to conform? Do we have to prioritize society’s norm over our own happiness? Haven’t we built a strong boat worthy of being rocked and challenged? Is it time that we finally earn the right to say no?

The idea of letting someone down is difficult – if not horrifying. We are mostly natural people-pleaser. Our desire to do everything and be everywhere all at once runs deep in our subconscious. How do we ensure we’re maximizing our life experiences if we’re not letting all our doors open? This preference of collecting choices leads some of us into a trap hole called “indecisiveness.” The paradox of having too many options is that you are less likely to make a decision. It’s not hard to realize that indecision gives way to dissatisfaction and missed opportunities. The best way to combat decision paralysis is to gently shut your doors to many things. If you narrow down your choices, you are most likely to pick something you will never ever regret.

A “no” does not complicate life. In fact, it simplifies it. When you come into terms with the fact that you only have 24 hours in a day, you are forced to prioritize. And by presenting all your goals in front of you, it’s easy to tell which ones you can let go. We can’t do everything in this world. We can’t live forever. Hence, we must simplify. Greg McKeown writes: “If it isn’t a clear yes, then it’s a clear no.” This principle is worth applying in most aspects of our lives. If something does not seem good enough, then it’s a no. If you’re not crazy about it, then it’s a no. If someone is not making you feel comfortable, then it’s a no. There are circumstances in which we have to take the middle ground. It’s safe to be a centrist once in a while. But for big moments that can potentially alter our trajectory here on earth? We are encouraged to simplify and choose between yes and no.

Each of our culture is different. I don’t think that there is a better one. However, I think there is a reasonable culture. One that has evolved with time. When you find yourself in a culture that does not align with your beliefs or your personality, you have two options: one is to suppress your individualism and conform with the group or two, leave. Depending on where you are from, this can be a bit easier. Countries on the eastern part of the globe tend to avoid disagreements so their default nature is to try not to stand out and instead cooperate with the society. Western countries tend to be more individualistic who follow the beating of their own drums. To be happy is to sacrifice something big. And sometimes that involves saying no to preestablished norms and traditions.

On a micro level, it is also your responsibility to reject some of your outdated beliefs, biases, and destructive thoughts. The beauty of being a human is that we all grow. Regardless if you believe in change or not, the fact is who you are today is not exactly as who you were yesterday. It does not matter whether you are high or low on openness – the truth is you are never the same year by year, month by month. Which means you have the capacity for both learning and unlearning. Plausible deniability does not make one happy. It is your duty to recognize your errors and wrongdoings in the past. And then actively do something about them. A person who has a lot of character arcs throughout their life reaches the old age satisfied with their journey. My theory is that one feels better when they learn from their regrets. We are all preprogrammed to be good people. We want to do good things. For us to be good, we have to correct our biases. We have to unlearn some of the bad ideologies we have picked up as children. And we have to try to avoid negative thinking. These practices don’t produce immediate joy. But over time, they do pay off.

The idea of letting someone down is terrifying because mostly we don’t know how to do it without inflicting pain. The golden rule applies: it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Remember that we are all mammals with hearts and feelings. Even the most stoic person on earth still gets bothered once in a while. When you are closing your door, the nice way to do it is to push it gently – without creating a noise if possible. There are a million reasons why we are turning our backs to some people. Perhaps a common one is that we have already outgrown them. Al though it’s true that we all change, the intensity and pace in which we do are not similar. Sometimes you evolve quicker than others. Sometimes you find yourself taking your time. The sad reality is that the path you are trekking on has deviated from the path your friends are taking. It’s difficult to tell at which point the roads have taken a turn. But over time it becomes apparent. Focusing on your path requires you to close some old doors – be it temporarily or permanently. That is a bitter part of life that we all must endure in pursuit of fulfillment.  

A famous study conducted by psychologists that I love is called “the jam experiment.” It goes like this: if a consumer is presented with too many options, he or she is likely to go home without a purchase. In the jam experiment, psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper have presented shoppers with two set of choices: (A) 24 flavor of jams (B) 6 flavor of jams. At a first glance, it is expected that people will be more interested in buying something from the variety of 24 flavors. But that is not what this study has found. Al though the 24 flavor jams have sparked more curiosity, people end up not buying from this set of option. The reason? Decision paralysis. We think we like to be presented with too many options, but our actions betray us. We are more inclined to make a decision if we’re only presented with fewer options. The reason? Our mental bandwidth is finite. In ensuring we make quality decisions, sometimes we have to eliminate our desire to have too many options. While it’s tempting to know more of the endless possibilities, there is a high risk that you will be paralyzed by your indecisiveness.

Saying the word “no” can sting. The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of no is pain. It’s not a positive word. But maybe it is time that we redefine it. It is time to take the shame out of it so we can use it in a positive context. When you are overstimulated, isn’t it reasonable to utter the word no? A harsh “no” is hurtful.  A plain “no” could be confusing. But a kind “no”? That one is useful. That one deserves a spotlight.

We all want to belong. As humans, we yearn to have the feeling of being home. Which is why we go out of our way to be cooperative, to be agreeable, to be friendly. These acts can make us happy. But too much of them can be detrimental on our well-being too. We can’t participate in a movement that does not match our values. It’s not a good idea to say ‘yes’ all the time. Our time is not infinite. And we are not supposed to be chummy with everybody. Sometimes, a gentle no saves us from troubles.

This earth has been around for billions of years. We have come this far because of our ability and willingness to meet people halfway. Every great invention that is helpful to us today, we owe it to our ancestors’ collaborations. We will not have an easy and good life if everybody’s favorite word in the past is no. But we are now living in a world that is complex. Our safety and security aren’t as vulnerable as our hunter-gatherer ancestors. We no longer have to worry about some dangerous lions lurking around. What we’re concerned about these days is how to protect our peace. What we care about more is how to spend our time wisely. And to achieve the balance that we need, we have to be courageous enough to say a kind “no.” It is the time that we have earned the right to say it. And it is time that we take the shame away from it.